"I Do" is Consent

Because we have forsaken the Word of God in our land, American culture has tried in vain to find a good standard for what constitutes morality when it comes to sex. One of the most popular suggestions is that the answer is simply a morality based on consent.

One of the poisonous fruits that this has borne is a hyper-focus on and over-analysis of what constitutes “consent.”

From a Biblical perspective, God’s design for sex is pretty simple. No sex until marriage, and then at marriage one man and one woman consent to share the marriage bed for a lifetime.

Let’s talk about what this does and does not mean.

(Content warning… I’m rather blunt in this post; it’s for adults only. Also, as always, I don’t have everything figured out, my wife and I are still learning, and you should be asking your pastor about this stuff.)

1 - First of all, there is a stereotype that is viewed as normative in our culture, namely, that husbands are constantly following their wives around, begging for sex, and wives occasionally condescend and allow their husband to “get lucky“ when he has performed at a high enough level to earn such an act of deep generosity.

This stereotype is a flaming pile of garbage, in at least three categories – duty, desire, and design.

A - Duty:

Each spouse has a marital duty to the other in the marriage bed. This is not an optional thing that they may or may not do for their spouse, depending on how they feel. This is one of the obligations that is assumed in marriage.

This is made clear in 1 Corinthians 7. The idea that either spouse would have to beg the other, or live in a state of starvation or insecurity, is completely foreign to the Biblical picture of spouses who seek to meet the needs of the other.

B - Desire:

If either spouse – culturally, this is usually presented as the woman, though this is NOT always the case – does not desire sexual intimacy with their spouse, then the immediate follow up question should be “why?“

Scripture is abundantly clear that sexual passion should be a two-way street – see the Song of Solomon. Somehow, even within the church, we have accepted a normative state where the wife rarely desires sex and mostly just “does it for him.” A good wife does it for him more, and a bad wife does it for him less… but they all just do it for him.

Where did we get this idea? What is wrong in a marriage where there is not mutual desire?

Sure, there are different personalities, and some people have higher libido than others. But if there is no mutual pleasure in the marriage bed, then there is a problem. If we as a culture cannot fathom a wife initiating intimacy, not “for her husband,” but actually because she thinks he is smoking hot and she can’t keep her hands off of him, then our view of sex is messed up.

Ironically, our culture has no problem envisioning this kind of ravenous female- just so long as she isn’t married to the man in question.

So we must ask, why is there no desire?

Some things that could be wrong would include: Physical/pain issues. Exhaustion. Failure of communication or unity in other areas of a marriage. Failure of husband to love wife or wife to respect husband. Painful history or unresolved guilt. The pursuit of sex as being only for one spouse rather than as a mutual delight. Erectile dysfunction. Failure to bring the wife to orgasm. These things must be explored and dealt with in kindness and straightforward truth.

C - Design:

The redpill community likes to say that women are not aroused by safe, “nice“ men.

The redpill is a poison pill, but it is more like a helpful medication laced thoroughly with poison than it is like a cyanide capsule.

In marriages where the husband is still being “house trained” by his wife, where she is “the boss,” and he is “one of the kids,” and he “married up,” it’s no surprise that she is not particularly interested in going to bed with him.

Sadly, he may not even realize how much sexual pleasure he himself is missing out on, because although the male sex drive will remain present, there is a powerful magnetism that will be removed from the equation if the design for the sexes is out-of-whack.

I would contend that this is why girls are attracted to “bad boys.” They’re a little bit dangerous, a little bit unpredictable, and impossible to control.

What is the takeaway for men? To be bad? To be violent or harsh? To be demanding or tyrannical? No, not at all.

But to be strong, masculine, assertive, lordly, and stubborn when necessary? Yes, absolutely. This is actually part of loving our wives (my wife adds… “and being an anchor [for her]”).

And no, this does not in any way justify a man who is domineering over his wife, being tyrannical or rude, or generally failing to live with her in an understanding way and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.

But I suspect that some men would find that if they lovingly but stubbornly refused to let their wife rule over them, their wife might begin to look at them as a king and not as a subject.

God calls wives to be subject to their husbands. The idea that the husband must follow her around like a beggar, hoping that she condescends to give him some crumbs, is completely antithetical to a wife who is subject to her husband, who delights to follow him, to help him, and to meet his needs.

Using sexual manipulation to rule over him is not being a helper suitable to him.

By the way, a husband who withholds sex from his wife, or who is selfish or thoughtless or demanding in the bedroom, rather than tender and loving, ensuring that his wife is having a satisfying and delightful time (i.e. being brought to full orgasm) – he is in just as much violation of God’s design. He is not granting her honor or living with her in an understanding way according to love. She should feel welcome and safe and loved and delighted in when she is in his arms – not chewed up and spit out.

2 - So a few things can be true at once here. There can be real issues that lead to hesitance on the part of one or both spouses to enjoy intimacy. Those issues must be dealt with honestly, with patience and prayer and kindness and love and truth, and often times with help from wise counselors or pastors.

However, those issues do not justify an attitude which views sex and the marriage bed as optional, or as something that may be withheld simply based on whims and feelings.

A good example of this is the video I saw going around of a wife who denied her husband sex because she did not feel “emotionally connected.” The implication of the video was that he needed to figure out how to make her feel emotionally connected before he could expect to be able to sleep with his wife.

This is simply not OK.

But the right answer is not to say that she does not need emotional connection. The right answer is to recognize that they are both called to meet each other’s sexual needs, and they are both called to grow in their unity as a married couple.

She should not be weaponizing sex to get what she wants out of him. (Intentionally or, as it were, accidentally.)

But, if she is feeling something lacking in their relationship, she should certainly feel free to talk to him, and a good and loving and godly husband will desire to take the lead in making sure that their marriage is healthy and unified.

This also does not mean, however, that the husband should be ruled by the wife’s emotions. There are times where she may be feeling things that are simply wrong. In those times, it may be appropriate for him to kindly and lovingly tell her to calm down, give her a hug, and tell her “it’s all gonna be OK.”

But oftentimes, she will be onto something – there will be some way, perhaps not a way in which he was sinning, but nevertheless a way in which he can better love his wife, and he should embrace that.

3 - Now. Because we live in a demented and twisted time, we must define what exactly it means when we say that marriage equates to “consent.” It certainly does not mean consent to anything and everything. In a time where abusive and perverse sexual practices are celebrated with street parades, we should note that at the altar, both spouses consent to a Godly and mutually delightful and biologically normal sexual life. Without getting into the weeds of defining what exactly constitutes lawful and unlawful sex, some things should be obvious.

Sexual practices that are based on harming the other person – sexual practices that are degrading or unloving or violent – should obviously be beyond the pale for the Christian. Our marriage is to present a picture of Christ and His bride in a relationship of loving headship and respectful submission. The marriage bed should echo this picture. It should not be a place of coercion and violence, but rather a place of mutual delight.

So, saying that she consented at the altar is certainly no excuse for then proceeding to sexually abuse or force her. She did not consent to that.

We have to understand that these two truths go together.

You cannot either remove the spousal right to sex or pretend that that right is absolute.

There are times where there are legitimate reasons for one or both spouses to want to wait. And in a healthy marriage, the other spouse would be understanding of those needs. Maybe he has had a really exhausting workday or she is really not feeling well (though to be fair, a good romp will cure many ailments).

But on the other side, it is not at all legitimate for either spouse to have an attitude of “I will give it to you when I feel like it.“ If that was their attitude, they should not have married the person; when they married the person, one of the things they were promising them was to share their bed.

4 - We have to understand what sex is supposed to be. In our day and age it has been reduced to a bestial physical action, with little connection to any kind of spiritual reality.

Because of this, the conversation is often reduced to a simple transaction. Does he/she get to release the physical urge, or not?

But the marriage bed is supposed to be much more than this. The marriage bed should be a physical manifestation of a spiritual unity.

When a Godly and submissive woman is in awe of her husband, she will absolutely love it when he comes and sweeps her off her feet… Including when he does it literally. And when a loving and understanding husband is focusing all of his passion and devotion on his wife, he will be counting the minutes until their next opportunity to go fellowship in close proximity.

Further, when a wife has a husband who is kind and loving and selfless but also assertive and strong – a man who leads with wise and Godly authority – she is much more likely to look forward to his advances than she will be to look forward to the advances of a passive man whose greatest aspirations are hot wings, football, and sex.

And when a husband has a wife who looks at him adoringly, and who yields happily to his leadership, and who joyfully helps him and raises his kids and keeps his house, he will find her absolutely irresistible.

Because, in a word, masculinity and femininity are mutually attractive.

You see, there is more to sex than just being “hot.“ There are billboards that are hot. There are statues that are sexy. There are actors and actresses on screen who know how to behave in a way that is arousing. The Pr. 7 woman is the very definition of a “hot” person.

But Biblical sexuality is not about being hot – it’s about being holy. The sad thing is that we hear that and we think that that is somehow a downward trade. It is somehow a repudiation of fun and fire, of passion and pleasure, of romance and rapture.

But nothing could be further from the truth. God designed sex to be a dance, and not a drug. As long as we think of it as a drug, we will never understand or enjoy it in its fullness.

While Christian men absolutely should find their wives to be “hot” – in the sense of irresistibly sexually attractive – that hotness, when understood in Christian holiness, is best expressed more in terms such as loveliness, beauty, or magnetism. Her lovely, Godly femininity, which is precious in the sight of God, leaves him chomping at the bit to get her in the bedroom.

Our pornography-saturated culture cannot fathom sexual desire apart from lingerie, seductive facial expressions, sensual music, and ever-inventive ways of “keeping things fresh.”

Allow me to suggest that a sexual desire stoked by the sight of a gentle and quiet woman dancing around the kitchen in a beautiful dress singing praise songs and cooking something that smells amazing is actually a far superior form of desire, and leads to a far superior time in the bedroom.

My wife’s laugh, her sparkle, her joy in Christ, and the way she looks at me like I’m a lion fill me with holy desire.

And ladies, if you think that a shirtless cowboy on the front of a filthy novel is hot, instead of gross, then I would suggest that you need to recalibrate your standards.

I asked my wife what the equivalent for her would be to the dancing-in-the-kitchen attraction for me, and she said three things:

1. When I am lordly- when I say what I mean, mean what I say, and lead the family decisively (this only works if it is in a context of loving and provident care, not of thoughtless bossiness)

2. When I am protectively affectionate- when I physically provide a presence of loving strength, of masculine possessiveness, of “you’re mine and you’re safe with me.”

3. When I dazzle her. When I overshadow her and make her melt. She doesn’t know what I do when I do this, but it is her favorite thing in the world. I think it’s built in to men to know how to “turn on the charm.” Guys, master the art of taking her breath away.

She also mentioned that seeing me coming home tired and dirty from a long day of working to provide for my family can be very attractive.

In both directions, the idea is that this is an attraction that is not in spite of or rejecting the physical- it is rather an attraction that is both physical and spiritual. It is a magnetism of masculinity and femininity that consumes the whole person. And it is so much better than the cheap alternatives.

Let’s note that she didn’t say “when you do the dishes.” She certainly appreciates when I pitch in with housework, and it makes her feel loved and cared for, but it does not turn her on.

I suspect that the dishes became the stereotypical way to “turn your wife on” because of the transactional view of sex that our culture has; he does something for her, and that makes her want to do something for him.

But that’s not how sex is supposed to be. It should be a door of mutual delight that involves the whole person and that is always standing open to both parties of this one-flesh union.

Oh, and if you think any of this is somehow a denial of physical attraction- it is not at all.

I do a lot of looking (OK, more than just looking) when my wife is dancing around the kitchen.

And the most arousing thing for her about when I’m doing the dishes is getting to admire my physique.

I didn’t make that up.