Manipulation Is Not Masculine

Assorted thoughts on decision-making in marriage:

Married brothers, when you and your wife have prayed and discussed- hang on, let me stop there.

Many a conflict can be avoided and disagreement resolved by not rushing past those two crucial steps – praying about something for a couple of days is rarely a bad idea; our tendency is to hammer away at one another, but God can melt conflict and confusion away. Many an hour wasted fighting with your spouse could be traded for fifteen minutes spent praying and forty-five minutes talking about something else. Resist the urgent desire to fight it out right now; if you master this discipline it will pay great dividends. If a discussion is turning into a fight, press pause, and revisit it when you can both do so in the Spirit, and not in the flesh, when at all possible. Then discuss it as two people who are one flesh- on the same team.

Now then, where was I… husband, when you have prayed and discussed and have come to an impasse, a decision must be made, and that is your job. You have two options:

1. Give preference to your wife- and have a good attitude

2. Insist on what you believe to be the right course of action, even though she disagrees- and have a good attitude

In both cases, the question is what Jesus wants. Choose that to the best of your ability, make the call decisively, and do it with tender love toward your wife. Carry the burden of making the decision.

But the good attitude is not optional. If you “give her preference,” but then walk around with stormclouds over your head for the next three hours, that is not leadership, it is manipulation. Punishing her for disagreeing with you (or for being correct!) is making war on your own flesh. (Eph. 5:28)

Obedience is better than sacrifice. Making the right decision is important… but obeying the clear command to rejoice in the Lord and love your wife is more important. So make the best call you can. Stick with it. But don’t strain at the gnat of making a correct decision and swallow the camel of letting it ruin the harmony of your marriage – at least, in so far as it depends on you. (Matt. 23:23)

That does not mean make whatever decision makes her happy – her response is her responsibility before the Lord. But it does mean that it would be better to make the wrong call on which car you buy and do it with a heart that is right with God and full of love for your wife, than to buy the right car and do it as an act of proud, patriarchal muscle flexing, or of weak abdication because you are afraid she’s going to be upset, or to do it and then give your wife the cold shoulder for a week because you actually wanted a different car.

Also, if she was correct about something… Tell her so. Do unto your wife what you would have her do unto you.

If new info arises and the decision needs to be changed (not just if you get re-annoyed about the decision), discuss that straightforwardly and lovingly with your wife, and change your mind (but if that is happening all the time you need to reassess your decision making paradigm as you are going to exasperate her and cheapen your word- 1 Pet. 3:7, Pr. 20:25, 18:13). Don’t guilt her into doing what you want or make her guess why you are upset.

Speak the truth in love.

And then walk forward in the joy of the Lord, and lovingly invite her to join you.