What If My Wife Disagrees?

The story of David delivering Keilah in 1 Samuel 23 is an instructive picture of the Godly exercise of authority. David inquired of the Lord and was told to deliver the city of Keilah from the Philistines. However, when he informed his men of the plan, his men objected. In response to this pushback, David again sought the Lord. The Lord’s command was the same, and David took his men and delivered the city.

Some of you already know where I am going with this. When a husband gives direction to his wife, there are two errors he can fall into.

The first is to reject her input. It is noteworthy that David not only listened to his men and thought about what they said, but he took their concern to the Lord. The wise husband gives serious thought to his wife’s concerns and opinions, and, especially in serious cases, he takes the time to bring those concerns before the Lord.

The Godly husband also has the same provident attitude that God does- loving to give what he can to bless those under his authority (Matt. 7:9). If your wife is scared to ask you for a favor or make a suggestion, you are doing something deeply un-Christlike. While “happy wife happy life” is a dreadful rubric for decision making, the Godly husband really does want his wife to be happy!

The second error is to be walking in obedience to your wife instead of walking in obedience to God. David took his men’s concerns before God, but at the end of the day he still moved forward with his original plan because that was God’s command. This is the responsibility of the godly husband.

The term “servant leadership” is quite inflammatory these days, but there are two inescapable facts. Firstly, in the Christian worldview, leadership and authority are to be used for the good of those under authority. (Matt. 20:26) The leader really should have an attitude of service toward his people – seeking their good.

However, he does not do this by abdicating his authority. A king who simply rules based on the requests and whims of whatever subject is speaking to him at the time is not a good servant leader. He is a very bad king. There is no stability in that land.

So a Godly husband recognizes that his authority is for the good of his people, but he also recognizes that it really is authority, and it is actually good for his people when he exercises that authority with loving and humble firmness.

Sometimes his wife will not like his decisions. He needs to be OK with that, and not ruled by her opinions. And if she has an emotional meltdown over it, then that is a separate issue which he needs to disciple her through – and, possibly, if it’s bad enough, involve wise counselors. But he should not allow her to manipulate him, or make decisions out of fear of how his wife will react. That is not loving his people.

In other words, he needs to be able to say “I don’t really care, Margaret,” but do it in such a way where she can feel that he does care deeply- he just isn’t going to be controlled.

As an aside, to wives: bear in mind that nagging your husband is not something that you have to do intentionally. You can accidentally nag him, constantly questioning and nitpicking his decisions and ideas, being overly emotional about decisions you don’t like, even if you just think you are trying to be helpful, or to communicate honestly. Let the man lead, and trust him. Be a good queen. You know what that means.

To sum up, husbands should not be afraid to make decisions for their family. This will make everyone in the household insecure. God gave you authority, man. Take up the mantle and rule well.

Husbands also should not be steamrollers (like the young man I heard about in a dating group who said that he was “looking for a stewardess, not a copilot.”) She is a fellow heir, bone of your bone, and she deserves your honor.

She is your first mate. The wise captain gives very careful consideration to the words of his first mate.

But the wise captain is not afraid to take the wheel and steer the ship, either… and the whole ship is better off for it.

A husband who will lovingly lead his wife through her emotions rather than being led by his wife’s emotions- he is loving her with his authority.

Be a good king.