Can I Blame My Wife For My Porn Addiction?

The following is a compilation of posts related to pornography use within marriage.

DOES PORN USE CONSTITUTE ADULTERY/GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE?

1. This topic is a great example of the critically important truth that no one should be building their life off of advice on the internet. If you are actually trying to figure out whether you have Biblical grounds for divorce, you need to get godly council from godly saints who know you and can talk to you and your spouse. You don’t need to find an online influencer that says something that feels right to you.

Divorce is such a complicated mess with so many factors that it is impossible to wisely treat a specific case from 1000 miles away.

2. Adultery means something specific. Pornography means something specific. They do not mean the same thing. So no, pornography usage is not adultery, technically.

3. Jesus makes clear that God is not simply interested in technicalities (Matt. 5:28). Any man (or woman) who is hiding behind the porn/adultery distinction is ignoring Jesus’ clear teaching that it is the same sin in different forms.

We don’t have to play terminology games to acknowledge that pornography is a perverse sexual abomination and an affront both to God and to one’s spouse.

4. When Jesus permits divorce “in the case of sexual immorality” (Matt. 19:9), the Greek word in that case is “porneia,” which is, quite obviously, directly related to our word pornography.

I believe it is an overly literal application of what Jesus is saying to argue that adultery would be justified cause for divorce, but pornography usage would not. Both could be justifying causes for divorce, in my opinion.

5. The overall point of Jesus‘s statement on divorce is to emphasize God‘s design for lifelong marriage. So while Jesus’ words cannot at all be used to defend the consumption of pornography, they also cannot be used to justify a divorce-happy attitude that glibly encourages women to get away from “toxic husbands.“

There are justified divorces. Also… there are very few. God‘s design for marriage is for two virgins to get married and stay faithful to one another for a lifetime.

The Scriptural exhortations regarding dealing with bad spouses encourage a lot more grace and a lot less escaping than our hearts are generally comfortable with. (1 Pet. 3:1-2)

6. While we must start with this as the divine ideal, God does leave room for hard hearts and heavy sins. There are exceptions. However, our hearts should default to grace, not to exception hunting.

In other words, a woman who found out that her husband looked at pornography twice and rejoices to finally have her excuse to get out of her marriage – there is clearly something deeper going on. The same could be said about actual adultery. Divorce may need to happen. But it should be a last resort.

God made two into one. Divorce should not be undertaken like changing a hairstyle – but rather like amputating a limb.

7. The real and foundational issue for the Christian is a lustful heart; a heart that is “neighing after his neighbor‘s wife.” (Jer. 5:8)

You can take the affair away. You can take the pornography away. But a lustful heart is still going to be full of lust… And Jesus calls us to something better. He does not simply want external conformity wrapped around internal idolatry. He wants repentance.

Godly sexual purity is about more than just your browser history.

Certainly not less – but more.

8. This means that there is no technicality to hide behind. If you’re having an affair, repent. If you’re looking at pornography, repent. If you’re watching movies you shouldn’t be, repent. If you’re fantasizing about women (or men) that aren’t yours, repent. There is no justifiable amount of lust. Lust is inherently selfish, and it is the opposite of loving our neighbor.

9. Lust is distinct from sexual desire, which is a perfectly natural and God-given reality that should drive virgins to marriage and married people to their spouses. But just like how anger is a natural emotion which God calls us to master and direct correctly (Eph. 4:26) – lest it become hatred, which is murder of the heart (Matt. 5:22) – sexual attraction is a natural desire, which God calls us to master and direct correctly, lest it become lust, which is adultery of the heart.

10. It is also essential to understand that since lust is inherently selfish, the Christian antidote is not “not lust“. It is love. It is learning to care for other people. To see other people, not a sexual objects, not as hunks of meat on the sexual marketplace – as our culture presents them – but as people made in the Image of God, whom we are called to love as brothers and sisters in all purity. (1 Tim. 5:2)

The more we love others, the less we will be able to lust after them.

Jesus does not call us to be in a constant state of frantically putting off, but rather to put off the old man AND put on the new man, who is being made in the Image of Christ (Col. 3).

It’s really hard not to lust after women if all you see is temptation with a face. But if you see people that Jesus died to save – people with hopes and dreams and needs – people much like yourself, in fact – this changes things.

11. A little bit more about grace. We live in a sexually broken and pornography-saturated culture. And this does not only include the pornography that young men are addicted to. It also includes sexually explicit romance novels and movies available at your local theater or on your Netflix account.

God designed sex to be a private and ever-fresh spring shared between two people. Our culture just has gutters and sewers and cesspools everywhere and is constantly encouraging everyone to take a drink.

It is no surprise, then, that so many people have struggled with pornography. It is no surprise that so many people have given up their virginity before marriage.

But the gospel of Jesus Christ brings hope to these situations. While the forgiveness that Jesus bought on the cross does not mean that there will not be temporal consequences for sin, it does mean that there is hope for the sinner.

So if you are burdened by the weight or bound by the shackles of sexual sin, come to Jesus. If your marriage is on the rocks because of sexual sin, come to Jesus. If you’re addicted to pornography or hiding an affair or just getting more pleasure than you should out of ogling women at the grocery store, repent, and come to Jesus. (Matt. 11:28)

You don’t have to be a slave to sin anymore (Rom. 6:14). You can be free. You can be forgiven. You can be victorious. Not in your own strength – but in the power of Jesus Christ.

It’s a standing invitation.

A few afterthoughts.

We cannot rightly say that because Jesus equated lust with adultery of the heart, therefore lust is equal to adultery, in just the same way that we cannot say that because Jesus equated hatred with murder of the heart, therefore anyone who has ever hated anyone should be given capital punishment.

There is a distinction.

But to use this distinction to excuse the lust or the hatred is to use it in exactly the opposite of how Jesus intended for it to be used.

Also, there is something sacred about the actual act of physical intercourse between a man and a woman. Scripture speaks of the man who joins himself to a harlot as becoming “one body with her.”

There is a particular sacredness to the sexual act that does put adultery in a category of its own.

What we are really wrestling through here is the reality that the sin of lust can take many forms. A man whose eyes linger a little bit too long on the scantily clad woman at Walmart is not in the same category as a man who is lying to his wife about his business trips and is actually spending the weekends with his secretary.

We all know this inherently.

It should also be obvious that the kinds of aggravated and deeply perverse pornography that are readily available to us today are much closer to the latter end of the spectrum.

A married man who is secretly subscribed to OF may not technically be committing the act of adultery… But at that point, to argue that that is a distinction with any kind of significant difference is a really hard sell.

Once again, we find ourselves in an area where we must pursue wisdom, not simply hide behind a cure-all checklist.

Also, pornography and adultery should both be illegal.

So there’s that.

IS THE HUSBAND’S PORN THE WIFE’S FAULT?

Did God design sex within marriage to be a help against sexual temptation? Yes. 1 Cor. 7.

Does a spouse’s refusal to provide sex make it harder for their spouse to resist temptation? Yes.

Is this refusal, barring extenuating circumstances, sinful? Yes.

Does this refusal justify the other spouse’s sin? No.

Thought experiments: if a husband won’t provide for his wife, may she rob a bank? No.

If a parent provokes their child to wrath, may they commit patricide? No.

So if a wife won’t sleep with her husband, may he use porn? Also no.

Scripture tells us not to be overcome by evil but to overcome evil with good. (Rom. 12:21)

God expects even single people to live in sexual purity.

We don’t get to blame others for our own sin. Period. Matthew 7:3.

If you are stuck and that purity seems impossible to achieve, then come to Jesus. He has the power.

Reach out to me and I will happily help you explore ways to have victory.

But you will not have victory through blameshifting.

MORE THOUGHTS ON SEX/PORN IN MARRIAGE

Women withholding sex from their husbands as a manipulative tool or from simple selfishness is a wicked, ungodly act. It is inexcusable.

Also, a good-willed woman who is having trouble enjoying life in the bedroom deserves to be asked some questions instead of being biblically bludgeoned.

Also, the way a husband treats his wife – including his pure devotion to her – is a huge factor in her sexual desire. If he is not keeping covenant with her, then he is not in a position to be making demands.

Flip it around- if a woman is cheating on her husband, she can’t very well say “well if you would just take me on more dates, this wouldn’t be a problem.” We would immediately call this ridiculous.

Finally, again, a man is called to walk in sexual purity, regardless of the conduct of his wife (and vice-versa).

Blameshifting is never a Christian option.

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash