Confessions of a Purity Culture Alum

I am a 90s kid. I was homeschooled for the entirety of my formal education. Firstborn son of a preacher, I spent most of my life with a T-shirt tucked into my blue jeans. I met my wife through church when I was 12, and we later followed a textbook courtship process before marrying in our early 20s. I listened to Jonathan Park and perused the Vision Forum catalog and participated in the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. I even had some exposure to Bill Gothard and his teachings, although that exposure was not really significant enough to allow me to get that page in my purity culture passport book stamped.

If you have been paying attention to the conservative Christian community over the last five years or so, you know that there is a shrapnel-covered no-man’s-land called “purity culture”. Many have come forward and told their stories about the abuses, the harms, the fallout stemming from the circles in which I was raised. So I figure it’s about time that I tell my own story, and some of the lessons I have learned.

It Worked For Me

I look back on the culture in which I was raised and thank God for the privilege of having parents who loved me– who loved me enough to take me out of the public schools and raise me at home in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord.” I thank God that I was spared the vicissitudes of dating culture – that my first kiss was on my wedding day – that my wife and I married as virgins. I am grateful for the years spent building in me an understanding of the Christian worldview, Biblical gender roles, productive household life, a Christian understanding of politics and culture – the whole bit.

I am very thankful that I was raised in patriarchal purity culture. Thankful for the lessons learned, the snares avoided, the launching pad provided.

I am deeply, deeply grateful.

That being said… Marriage and parenting are hard work. Providing for a family is not easy either. Our idyllic courtship situation, straight out of the textbook, did not remove the sin from our hearts, or turn our marriage into a flawless fairytale. There have been plenty of tears, and plenty of fights, and unfortunately the need to battle lust did not magically evaporate after we said “I do.”

But this is all par for the course. This is the combat of the Christian life. Welcome to the war. I was never taught that following a certain format would mean there would never be any more trials.

The whole Christian entrepreneurship thing… I tried it… And it did not work for me. I still have hopes of business ownership down the road, but the start-a-business-at-18 thing simply didn’t work out. God had other plans. I ended up with a mortgage and a full-time job, like the normal people.

In a word, life is messy, and no set of rules can remove the messiness from life.

Hindsight is 50-50

I have definitely changed on some things. So have my parents and siblings. And I do not agree with my parents on everything that they did or everything that they still do.

I am, however, profoundly grateful for the intense and intentional effort that they made to raise me and my siblings in the ways of righteousness. So as I look back over the past and assess the good and the bad, a few things stand out.

First of all, my parents never followed any man or movement. They were influenced, certainly, and probably not always in the correct directions. But they always followed the Bible. They were always seeking and serving Jesus, and I could see that. When Vision Forum collapsed, it was definitely shocking, and it did give us all a chance to look a little more closely at what we believed. But not much changed, because it had always been about what the Bible said.

I say that we have changed, but looking back over the years, I think a more apt word would be growth. Yes, that implies some change, some refining – for example, as the daughters who were planning to stay at home until they got married at 18 are still single in their mid to late 20s, this raises questions that had not been addressed previously, and exposes some things that had become accepted as “the right way to do it” which were actually just “a good way to do it.”

For another example, I have gotten less legalistic in my music tastes. While I still do believe that music does communicate with some level of objectivity, and that we as Christians should be discerning in our musical diets, I also see that there is so much room for preference and personality and grace upon grace. This is one of many areas where I have realized that I need to be a lot more comfortable with the grace of God and a lot less glued to my opinions.

The final example, and probably the most painful one for me, is the memory of my over-authoritarianism as a new husband. It was not malicious; I loved my wife, and genuinely wanted to please the Lord. Nevertheless, in my zeal for being a strong leader, I wound up micromanaging and controlling my new bride.

To be fair, that last point isn’t necessarily the fault of the teachings I grew up under, at least not entirely, but rather the fault of my own immaturity; God, in His mercy, used marriage to work that out of me. This is not to say that He is done with that, but that I can see progress, and I am grateful. And I am grateful for a godly wife who, through all of the ups and downs, remains faithfully by my side.

But with those, and other, areas of growth being acknowledged, still the principles remain. Because the principles were from the Book that remains always.

There are, however, some patterns within the “purity culture” community that do need to be addressed. It is a basic Christian principle that we do not reject criticisms, concerns, or dissent out of hand (Jas. 1:19). It is essential that we recognize there are real problems, real issues, real abuses that must be dealt with – dealt with clearly, decisively, and in the light.

And before we come down too hard on “purity culture,” let’s remember that this is the case with every movement made up of sinful humans.

There are five particular things about “purity culture” that I think have significant weight and need to be specifically dealt with.

1. There needs to be a clear process for wives to be able to get help with husbands that are abusing their authority. Men of the church need to be held accountable for how they wield authority in their homes. Failure to love one’s wife is something that the church should be addressing. It is not enough to tell men to lead and then leave them without any accountability; a revival of masculine leadership in the home needs to correspond to a revival of masculine pastoral authority and the construction of a strong brotherhood in the church- the kind of brotherhood that is brave enough to grab someone by the shoulders and say “you need to shape up.”

2. There need to be clear conversations about children growing into adulthood and the limitations of parental control over adult children. As with a husband’s authority, parental authority is not absolute and it must be held accountable.

3. The family-integrated church movement has sprung up with a largely independent church structure. While this is good in that it has unhitched from the woke train upon which most denominations seem to be riding, it has resulted in situations where there is little established structure for dealing with conflict within the church, especially between pastors and members. This also makes it harder to have a clear accountability structure for church elders.

4. There needs to be willingness to investigate and discuss “mental health” issues without knee-jerk reactions that throw all such discussion out as secular, humanistic psychobabble.

5. And there needs to be large doses of humility when it comes to secondary issues (modesty, courtship vs. dating, college, ladies who have “a job”, etc.)… And lots and lots and lots of the wonderful lubricant of Gospel love.

These things can all be true, and they can all be addressed without swinging to the other side and “believing all women,” embracing secular psychology, swapping the prairie dresses for crop tops and mini shorts, abandoning Titus 2, or pretending that acid metal screamo and face tattoos are not symptomatic of any kind of spiritual reality.

(I must also add, given things that are going on in my local church community right now, that these observations are NOT dog-whistle accusations at any particular person or church; they are not intended to communicate anything more than exactly what is written.)

If we are walking humbly with our God, and in fellowship with brothers and sisters, we are like a tree planted by streams of water. Those roots should not move. The branches sometimes need to be pruned. We need to be changed more and more into the Image of Jesus. But if our rooting is correct, then the changes should be changes in application and understanding – not changes in foundation and direction. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we should stubbornly hold onto even foundational things that are contrary to God’s Word – that is the point! Those, and only those, are the foundations that we should uproot, cast out, deconstruct, so that we can get to the business of building a firm foundation upon the Word of God, which does not need rebuilt every time the next movement comes.

Fear and Trembling

We must fear God. He is the giver of good gifts, the source of grace and strength, the only thing that stands between us and our own depravity. We should tremble at His Word and beg Him for His grace and give thanks for His goodness and walk humbly with Him. If at any point, we believe that our power, our wisdom, the strength of our hands has brought us prosperity, or success, or the perfect family life – it might be that moment when He chooses to show us exactly how much we can accomplish with our own hands. Spoiler alert: it looks a lot more like Chernobyl than it does paradise.

If the downfall of Vision Forum teaches us anything, it should be that God is not one to be mocked. He will not share His glory. He can raise up, and He can strike down. And He punishes sin. We would be wise to always remember that- to walk humbly with our God, as children, not to build our own empires and sprinkle a little bit of Jesus on top.

Let me also clarify here… I hope and pray for the repentance and genuine restoration of Doug Phillips and many like him. I don’t pretend to know the ins and outs of their situations, but I do know that it would be just as wrong to treat them as irredeemable pariah as it would be to treat a harlot or a tax collector as too dirty for the grace of God. I do not look at those men and despise them. It breaks my heart. I don’t doubt that many of them set out with the best of intentions – and maybe God has redemptive purposes for them still, and I pray for that. Even David, the man after God’s own heart, made a dreadful compromise and paid a terrible price. So, while we need to rise up for the defense of the victims of abuse of authority, we need to do so in such a way as to still remember that the abusers are also people in need of the Gospel. We pursue justice for victims… And forgiveness for sinners… And we can- and must- do both at the same time.

The Gospel is essential. More than anything else, it is the presence of the Holy Spirit – the involvement of the grace of God – the blood of Jesus Christ – that makes all things new. The biblical principles are excellent and essential, and many of the apostates and deconstructors will destroy their lives in short order, because they are rejecting not only Christ but also His Word, and that does not come without consequences.

The principles were never the problem. But without life in Jesus Christ, the principles are powerless, and they will not triumph over our sin. They might restrain sin, and that is great, as far as it goes. But it will not provide lasting victory.

On Babies and Bathwater

The impulse seems to be, since the rules were used for legalism, to simply throw away the rules. And sometimes, that is the appropriate response. However, sometimes it is not.

There are two categories of rules. There are the authoritative rules of God’s word – wives, submit to your husbands. Children, obey your parents. Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath. Thou shalt not commit adultery. These things are not negotiable, and we cannot “adjust them” based on Christian liberty, or preference, or whatever else. There are some areas around the edges, to be sure, where we might need to work out what the exact application is. For example, when does a child stop being a child who needs to obey their parents and start being an adult who needs to honor their parents? At what point does a wife need to get help and not simply submit to what her husband is saying? Those questions need to be answered, but the rules remain authoritative.

That is worth saying again. Those questions may not be dismissed. It is essential that we humbly and prayerfully attain Biblical answers to those questions. But we must do so without jettisoning the Biblical rules.

The second category is what might be called “house rules.” These are things like “our girls wear dresses, and not pants,” or “we don’t listen to music with a syncopated beat,” or “we don’t eat processed meat.” This must be clearly understood to be a distinct category from the rules that are given to us by God in His Word. House rules aren’t bad – well, not inherently – but they are also only binding while one is under the authority of that household. Furthermore, wise parents will be very respectful of their children as they get older, and will be careful not to treat a 16-year-old like a six-year-old. At some point, that young adult needs to grow into their own convictions, and not be kept in a little legalistic box by their parents. Otherwise, they may turn 18 and cast off restraint because they are tired of all of the stupid micromanaging rules.

House rules can be based on biblical principles. House rules can also be simply tyrannical, excessive, and micromanaging. All three of the ones that I listed are rules that, in my book, would be excessive. I have no problem with, for example, making a general practice of the ladies of the home wearing dresses and skirts… I actually encourage, and like that very much! The same could be said about a healthy diet or thoughtful selection of music and media. But the goal as parents should be to help the children understand the reasoning behind the rules, and to help them grow in an appreciation for an application of the Biblical principles behind them… All while keeping those rules in their proper place, as extremely secondary to the command of God and the primacy of the Gospel of Christ.

In other words, I have no problem with a house rule that says “on Sunday, the ladies wear dresses to church, and the boys tuck their shirts in and wear neckties.” That’s a great rule. There are plenty of Biblical principles that would apply to that – honoring the Lord, giving Him our best, God being a God of order, the value of self-control and self-discipline, etc. But if we think for a moment that because we sit in a pretty little row, and all of our girls are in pretty little dresses, and all of our boys have good haircuts and nice neckties – because of that, we are good, we are winning, we have struck the enemy of where it really matters – then our priorities are way out of whack. We are at war with the kingdom of darkness, and the demons are not afraid of a necktie.

No, what scares them is people that are full of the spirit of God, the joy of Christ, the power of the Word, the light of love. And you put that person in a necktie – or a T-shirt – a prairie dress or a blouse, and some slacks – the kingdom of darkness twitches a little bit.

They didn’t even notice the wardrobe.

Pendulums Are Fun to Ride

As the years go by, the human impulse to overreact seems to become more and more pronounced. From hyper-patriarchy to feminism, and then back to hyper-patriarchy… From nakedness to extreme modesty, and back to public nakedness again… from the dating game to purity culture to pornography culture… Through all the noise, God calls us to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God (Mic. 6:8). As Christians, we don’t follow movements. We don’t follow people. We follow Jesus Christ, and the Word of God.

That is worth saying again. We must not follow movements. We must check our foundations and make sure that they are built on the rock of the Word of Jesus Christ. All other ground really is sinking sand. The rains will descend, and the floods will come, and they will burst against the house, and it will fall, and its fall will be great.

This is why the trad wife movement is a vapid hope. As lovely as the applications that these ladies are making might be – and no, I’m not endorsing all of their applications – but the return to femininity and homemaking and submission to husbands is a wonderful thing in a feminist culture! Nevertheless, without the foundation of the Word of God, this too will be a passing fad.

The same is true of Christian egalitarianism. It pretends to be founded on God’s Word, but it is not – it is a cultural wave that is twisting Scripture to say things that support the cultural wave. That is not founded on the rock… That is sprinkling gravel on top of the sandy foundation. The result will be the same, inevitably.

The same is true, even in media. From the extreme of non-syncopation, we run the risk of fleeing to the other extreme of aesthetic relativism, as if God has absolutely nothing to say about media, and it doesn’t matter what we consume. But if we are thinking Scripturally, there should be a handful of passages that sound like fire alarms in the back of our head when we hear this idea. “The companion of fools suffers harm…” “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right… “

So we need to get off of the pendulum. We need to get back on the Word of God. Pursue wisdom- not rules that keep us safe, but rather wisdom, rooted in the Word of God, and covered by the grace of God. We need to walk humbly with our God… and with one another. We must not judge one another based on peripheral issues. “That guy has a tattoo and listens to rock music… He must not be a real Christian.” Or, “that lady wears a head covering and a long dress, she must be oppressed by her tyrannical patriarchy husband.” Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly. Build your house on the rock.

Movements come and go. The Word of God stands forever.

#Complementarianism #Conservative #Feminism #Manhood #Modesty #Apostasy #CurrentEvents #Deconstruction #Egalitarianism #JoshuaHarris #Womanhood #Dating #Homeschool