Premarital Counseling?

Off into the sunset. Photo by Y S on Unsplash.

Premarital counseling is a common practice in the American church. Before marriage, my wife and I did not do much by way of formal premarital counseling; we had both been raised in Christian homes, taught Christian doctrines of the family, and generally instructed in Christian life; our parents knew us, knew what we believed, and did not see much necessity in a rigorous and formal season of premarital counseling.

Others find premarital counseling to be very important and helpful. I am not here to prescribe the one correct way for all Christians to ever consider this topic, but rather to present a few thoughts and opinions to meditate on.

Firstly, I would caution against many of the standard curricula for marriage counseling. They often have good things to add to the conversation, but they also too often are constructed only for a certain type of person, and if they are not applied with very careful discernment they can do more harm than good.

Much better to get systematic advice from a wise and Godly person who knows you. Maybe use a curriculum to supplement- but not as gospel truth.

But if I did make a premarital counseling curriculum...

1. I would spend the first 50% of it on the individuals’ spiritual health. I would spend the next 20% on biblical roles in marriage; the next 20% on biblical principles of communication and conflict resolution, and the last 10% I would spend discussing healthy sexuality.

2. On spiritual health, I would take my time making sure that both parties know Jesus, love Jesus, are committed to submitting their lives to Scripture, are not walking in besetting sin, and understand basic Christian doctrine.

Is he looking at porn? Is she reading steamy romance novels? What’s their membership and attendance status at church? Understanding and practice of sexual purity? Bible and prayer habits? Physical discipline and health habits? General character reputation? Fruits of the Spirit? Relationship with parents? Financial/work status? Basic theological overview? Etc.

3. For the discussion of gender roles, I would belabor a healthy and well-rounded understanding of the duties of husbands (love, sacrifice, protection, etc.) and the duties of the wife (submission, homemaking, friendship, etc.). I would give many scenarios and practical examples to demonstrate the proper use of and response to a husband’s plenary authority, and a healthy understanding of a wife’s rights and recourses if necessary.

I would make sure that the husband’s authority is understood to be for the good of his people, and that it is plenary- not this minimized and bubble-wrapped “51% of the decision making power” that I’ve actually heard from a Christian marriage curriculum. No quarter for feminism. The husband is the king of the home. I would call the wife to recognize that- and call the husband to be a good king.

I would caution against over-zealous patriarchy that micromanages or dismisses the wife, and against weak-kneed patriarchy that is hesitant to make firm decisions for the good of its people. I would encourage the husband to be leading the family spiritually. I would encourage the wife to be the kind of woman who feeds the fires in her husband’s heart. I would also specifically attack cultural notions like “she’s the boss,” “happy wife happy life,” etc.

I would discuss the broader Christian view of marriage and children.

4. For the communication and conflict section I would emphasize a few basic things.

First, always start with your own sin before God- remove the log from your own eye.

Second, get good at pausing and praying. You don’t have to figure everything out immediately. Wait on the Holy Spirit.

Third, take the time to talk. Never resign to leaving issues unaddressed because it is easier. It is only easier like leaving an infection untreated is easier. It hurts less than the treatment… until your arm falls off.

Fourth, never ever ever hesitate to get help. Ask your parents or your pastor or a godly friend. Many gridlocks are really just simple miscommunications. Get Godly counsel into your marriage regularly.

5. For the conversation about sex I would work hard to undo the “men want it and women withhold it” attitude of our culture. (I have heard even Christian marriage counseling videos talk about sex like something the lady is just supposed to do for her husband. That’s garbage. Yes, maybe sometimes- we should all serve our spouses in many ways- but this should not be normative.)

I would seek to encourage a mutually exhilarating physical manifestation of spiritual unity and fellowship. I would make clear that while spouses are obligated to satisfy each other sexually, the marriage bed is not supposed to be a place of demanding, bartering, manipulation, or coercion.

I would (tactfully) get practical, and emphasize specifically the husband’s duty to make sure that he is bringing his wife to full pleasure, which will require living with his wife in an understanding way.

I would make sure they understand that sex is not a meal that you just sit down and consume; it is a dance, and it improves with practice.

6. I would also give practical advice.

Less TV, more dancing.

Enjoy your kids.

Keep an eternal perspective and have fun with life.

Build a playlist of favorite songs.

Trust Jesus. Always.

Husband, never stop dazzling her. Learn how to take her breath away, and do it regularly.

Take good care of your woman- don’t just give her the minimum- provide diligently and generously.

Wife, make him a sandwich with a note that says “for my king.” Greet him with a kiss and a smile every day. Wear pretty dresses.

7. I would conclude by rhapsodizing on how marriage is very hard, very beautiful, and very worth it;

by emphasizing that each is to do their duty unto Christ regardless of the other’s performance;

by reminding that marriage is ultimately for the glory of Jesus;

by encouraging them to be extremely excited and grateful for the blessing of a Godly spouse;

and by charging them to go forth and conquer in the Name of Jesus.