What If I'm Not An Alpha Male?

COLLATERAL DAMAGE

Masculinity. Femininity. Relationship advice. Feminism, the longhouse, patriarchy, what women really want, what men are really looking for. It is a constant stream in today’s internet culture, with a thousand voices clamoring for your attention and promising, or at least seeming to promise, The Right Way to see these things. In a society of sexual brokenness, of divorced families and childless women and fatherless children, in a society that murders babies by the millions and that mutilates the genitals of the survivors, in a society that doesn’t even know what a woman is, let alone what a woman is for- this conversation is going to be cacophonous.

This shouldn't surprise us; it is the inevitable conclusion of the rejection of God (Romans 1). When a people refuses to acknowledge God, the result is divine judgment, and judgment that presents itself primarily in the form of sexual confusion.

When this judgment is outpoured, there will be many trying to rebuild in the rubble- which is, of course, a fine thing to do, so long as we do not forget the root cause of the problem. But as the rebuilding is being done, it can be easy to focus so much on the particular structure we are seeking to restore- Biblical masculinity, for instance- that we don’t notice the collateral damage being done in the process. In all of the shouting, we can forget those whose voices aren’t as loud.

This collateral damage is what I want to discuss in this post.

WHAT IF I’M NOT AN ALPHA MALE?

This post is happening because I received a message from a man who is struggling to find his way through the rubble. His life does not measure up to all the things that the Christian Manosphere- myself included- encourage as hallmarks of Biblical masculinity. He married later in life; he is not in great physical shape; he doesn’t have a ton of children; he doesn’t own a home; the list goes on. He has struggled with assurance of his own salvation, and he feels like he will never measure up as a man. To make matters worse, many of his acquaintances in the “hard man” community are dismissive or derisive of his situation.

It’s bad enough to wonder if he’s a failure- worse to wonder if his effeminacy is enough to make him worthy of the fires of hell. (1 Cor. 6:9)

This inquiry broke my heart, and it brought to the fore an essential conversation that I hope to have in this post. I have seven things I would like to say to this man, and to many men like him who feel like they just won’t ever measure up.

1. GO TO CHURCH

Before I get into specific thoughts on this topic, it is essential to establish at the outset that I am just some dude writing a blog post. I hope and pray that it is full of Scripture and Godly wisdom, but frankly I don’t know this guy, and I don’t know most of the other folks reading this either. I don’t know your life. I don’t even know if you’re telling me the truth, or, for that matter, if I’m understanding you correctly.

Neither I, nor any podcaster or blogger or author or speaker, can give you the personal pastoral counsel that you need. You must be plugged in to a local body of Christ and under the care of Godly pastors. This is not optional. This is not a recommendation. This is blood-earnest, essential, square-one counsel. Turn off the podcast and go talk to your pastor.

I understand that sometimes a good church is hard to find.

Then move.

Come to Arizona and fellowship with me and my people. We would love to have you.

There are good churches and Godly pastors out there, and you have to find one. You cannot replace a Godly shepherd with SermonAudio.

It has been said that you can be a Christian and not go to church. It has been rightly replied that you can be separated from the herd and getting devoured by lions and still be a zebra.

2. TEN TALENTS

We live in an egalitarian culture that says that we are all the same. If you can dream it, you can do it. The 5’1” 98lb woman can totally be a kickboxing champion. For that matter, the 6’4” 275lb man can totally be a woman. We will define ourselves; we will be as gods.

But the funny thing about reality is that it is like one of those bridges over the highway. If your truck is too tall, it doesn’t matter what pronouns you give it- the bridge will not move.

God has bound us in the chains of reality. But this is a merciful bondage. It is our wanderlust that takes us beyond the fields of mercy into the wasteland of self-idolatry. The strength of the man and the beauty of the woman are not bondage unless the man despises strength and the woman despises beauty. Then, of course, they become chains that no amount of surgery can remove- because the bridge will not move.

This matters on a personal level because God has not crafted each of us as identical individuals. He has given us each specific gifts, talents, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. He has put us in situations with more or less challenges, privileges, opportunities, and setbacks. I am 5’11”. No amount of wishing or working or tallness-identifying would be enough to make me an NBA star.

So whenever we talk in practical terms about how things should be, we are speaking in generalities. We have to. There is no other option. We must praise marriage, even though not everyone can get married. We must argue against feminism even though some women actually do need to disobey their husbands. We must tell men to be strong even though some men really do have debilitating physical weakness.

But we must remember that these are generalities. There are exceptions. We don’t stop arguing for the rule because of the exceptions, but we also cannot despise the exceptions because they deviate from the rule. When we are proclaiming the black-and-white truths of Scripture, there is no room for compromise. But when we are laying out practical applications, we must leave plenty of room for grace, or the result will be legalistic formulas instead of faith working through love (Gal. 5:6).

The great news is that God is a merciful God. He is well aware that He did not distribute the talents evenly (Matt. 25). When the servant who had the two talents brought his four talents to the Master, he was not condemned for not having ten talents. Far from it! He was praised as a good and faithful slave. And the widow’s mite, though far less financially valuable, was specifically honored by Jesus because she gave all that she had (Mark 12:41-44).

So when we talk about Biblical masculinity, and we tell men to get in shape, or to start a business, or to have a whole van full of children- this is all good advice. But it is not advice that can be applied unilaterally or immaturely. Different men are different. All men must walk in obedience to the commands of Scripture- provide for their family (1 Tim. 5:8), don’t be a glutton (Pr. 23:20-21), be strong (1 Cor. 16:13). But not all men must own a business, eat 250g of protein every day, or deadlift 500lbs. Just because something is good advice doesn't mean that it is a command of God- or even that it is actually good advice for every specific person at every specific time.

God will not judge you based on how you compare to Mr. Masculinity on Twitter. God will judge you based on what you did with what He gave you. That is all you are responsible for.

So if you’re a chubby guy with a dead-end job who came to Christ late in life and doesn’t see a path open to becoming The Ideal Christian Man, forget about that guy. You just need to pursue Christ.

(Who is, incidentally, the ideal Christian Man.)

3. EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE THE ALPHA

We run into a real issue here for the man who doesn’t measure up. The temptation of bitterness is a real one. “Feminism robbed me of good marriage candidates in my youth. I grew up in a broken home. I never had a good dad to teach me to be a man.” But we must recognize that God is the giver of the talents. God did not forget about you (Matt. 6:26). He did not promise any of us an ideal life- to the contrary, we have all been promised trouble and told to take up our cross (John 16:33).

So the wrong thing to do would be to whine at the Master because He gave the other guy five talents and he only gave you two. The truth is, we can all play this game- and it’s a game which no one wins. Scripture warns us against counting the presents under the tree and adding up who got more (2 Cor. 10:12).

So, brother, guard your heart against this bitterness. Do not grumble against your lot in life, but rather trust in the One Who gave it to you, and give thanks (1 Thess. 5:18).

If we are looking to Christ, and not meditating on ourselves, or envying others, we will recognize that, no matter the circumstances, we are on the path to fulness of joy (Ps. 16:11).

So trade the grumbling for gratitude. You may not have the Perfect Life (nobody does), but you do have the life that God chose to give you, and it is better than you deserve.

Now take those talents and go invest them, instead of wishing that you had more.

4. BE FAITHFUL WITH A LITTLE

Whenever we look at any topic the temptation is to go from 0 to 60 overnight. I want to be a journeyman electrician, without the apprenticeship. But that's not how it works. Jesus calls us to be faithful with a little (Luke 16:10). So, brother, take a step back. You see all the things you are failing at, because you are fixing your eyes on a man-made list. Instead, fix your eyes on the task God has set before you. That's all you have to worry about.

So let's get practical.

Men should be strong, right? But you're 50lbs overweight and having a really hard time changing that. OK. Forget about being a ripped giga-Chad-king for a second. What does faithfulness to Jesus look like in this area for you? Maybe you cut sugar out of your life, restrict yourself to reasonable portions, and go for a 30 minute prayer walk every day.

Forget the scale. Forget the mirror. Just be faithful with a little.

Men should be providers, right? But you're stuck in a nowhere-going job and you don't see any way to leave an inheritance to your children's children. If you had caught this vision 25 years ago, maybe you'd have had a better chance!

Sure. True enough. But you didn't catch the vision 25 years ago, so the question is whether you are being faithful now. Lay out a responsible budget and a financial plan. Pray about what direction the Lord is wanting you to go. Get wise counsel. And then, whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might (Ecc. 9:10). Not all Christians will be business owners, and that is OK!

Forget the 6-figure income. Forget the debt-free house. Just be faithful with a little.

5. PERSONALITY IS OK

Men should be masculine, right? But you've never been into hunting or fishing or Jiu-Jitsu. You're something of a nerd. You certainly don't enter the room with command presence. We have to pause here and recognize an important point. It is completely appropriate to discuss stereotypical masculine traits, and to present them as a good thing. However, God made all sorts of men. Some guys like hunting. Some guys do not. That does not mean that they are effeminate men.

We must pursue wisdom, not construct arbitrary checklists that identify True Manhood. Can you be an IT guy who prefers tinkering with computers to hunting? Sure! Does that make you effeminate? Absolutely not.

Can you be a guy who has a quiet personality- who is calm and steady instead of aggressive and aspirational? You bet! There's nothing wrong with this.

There are two important parts to the discussion of personality.

The first is that we can allow for personality differences without becoming relativists. In other words, one guy likes fishing, one guy likes weightlifting, one guy likes tinkering on his car, one guy likes golfing... and that's all fine. However, this doesn't mean that we pretend therefore that masculinity actually doesn't mean anything.

I'm going to get practical again, because if we don't get practical we don't get anywhere, but please remember that I am not constructing a legalistic checklist. I'm seeking to push Scripture into the corners. You deal with God's Word. I'm not the boss around here.

We need to be able to recognize objective reality while leaving room for subjective personality. For instance, a man with a big ol' beard objectively looks more masculine than a guy with a smooth face and a diminutive chin. Weightlifting is objectively a more masculine behavior than baking banana bread. Having a deep voice is more masculine than having a high one.

But some guys have high voices and enjoy baking. This is totally fine. We run into a problem when we see masculinity as the highest virtue, instead of an important virtue. There are some hallmarks of masculinity that are commanded to every man- courage, authority (if married), etc. There are other hallmarks of masculinity that different men have to different extents, and that is OK. Our life is not supposed to be a pursuit of giga-chad-kingship, but a pursuit of Christ (Micah 6:8).

Again, this does include the pursuit of masculinity- but not the idolatry thereof.

So if a man is being childish or effeminate, this is a problem. But if he is not as masculine as Bison Hunter Joe over there, that's not a sin. If a man has a high voice, I would definitely recommend that he take steps to lean into masculinity in other areas. If people are wondering if you're gay, that's not good. But it is not a competition to see who can have the gnarliest beard.

By the same token, we can also assess hobbies with wisdom. Some guys go rock climbing; other guys collect stamps. Rock climbing is, objectively, more male-coded. This doesn't mean that the stamp collector is effeminate. We can acknowledge this while also acknowledging that it is probably better to have a hobby of weightlifting or working on cars than to have a hobby of playing video games or watching movies. Why? Because the former are actually productive.

Does this mean that video games and movies are a sin?

No.

Once again, we find ourselves in a situation where we might want a clear and easy legalistic checklist of what we must do to be a giga-chad-king. Instead, God in His Word gives us principles to govern our lives by, and we are responsible to take those principles and walk in wisdom and humility with our God (Mic. 6:8).

The second thing we must understand is that different personalities, while being absolutely permissible and designed by God, will have corresponding weaknesses which should be assessed Biblically.

For example, the Alpha Male guy has many good and masculine personality traits- courage, joy, diligence, protectiveness, etc. However, he is also likely to struggle with pride, vanity, and selfishness. Meanwhile, the slow and steady guy also has good and masculine traits- perseverance, self-control, contentment, stability- and different weaknesses, like apathy, abdication, and weakness.

It does no good to compare ourselves to one another. (2 Cor. 10:12) The goal, instead, is to conform our individual personality, whatever that is, to the Word of God and the Image of Christ. If we are being humble, objective, and focusing on Jesus (rather than being proud and defensive and discontent), we will be able to honestly assess our weaknesses and address them without trying to become a different person.

So for the guy who is not a Command Presence Male, he might recognize- "you know what, I've been failing to lead my family. I'm hiding behind my wife. This is not Biblically masculine behavior." Amen, and he should take steps to rectify his sin. However, this is different from "man, Bob is always the life of the party. He's so funny and everybody likes him. He's so good at starting businesses, too... why can't I be like Bob?"

Now we are back to comparing ourselves to others, instead of to Christ. Don't try to be Bob.

6. A NOTE ON "EFFEMINACY"

The man who contacted me expressed specific concern about his perceived effeminacy because Scripture speaks very harshly against effeminacy.

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind... - 1 Cor. 6:9

"Effeminate" is a word that is regularly bandied about in the Christian Manosphere, and that's fine; definitionally, it is a very good word for describing a man who is a coward or a compromiser or a weakling.

But, exegetically speaking, that is not what Paul is talking about here. Paul is referring to the two participants in the homosexual act, as translated well in the New Living Translation:

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality...

Don't get me wrong, effeminacy in the broader application is still bad, and the application is straightforward- if you act like you're gay, that's a problem, even if you aren't actually gay. Christian men should be distinctly masculine. If you're naturally high-voiced and limp-wristed, then grow a beard, don't lisp your "S"s, and lift some weights. If you don't control your emotions well or you won't take responsibility or you are prone to gossip instead of to confront straightforwardly, then repent. We all have weaknesses. Work on yours.

But when we're discussing your deadlift or your protein intake, recognize that that has nothing to do with what Paul is talking about, which is a direct reference to homosexual activity. You are not in danger of hellfire because you have a high voice or you can't lose weight.

7. MASCULINE MEN BEAR THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT

There is a version of masculinity right now that I like to refer to as the shrine of Adonis. This is the idolatry of masculine-specific virtue to the detriment of Christian virtue. It's all about getting buff and being tough and having authority and telling loud women to shut up. It seems that sex and sexuality and gendered piety are the only things ever discussed in this community.

Christians don't worship at the shrine of Adonis.

Christians glory in the fact that God made male and female, but we also recognize that male and female are both called to grow into the Image of Christ. We are male trees and female trees, but we both should be bearing the fruits of the same Spirit (Gal. 5:22).

Now, the masculine and the feminine will bear those fruits in different ways, and we should, and it is good to discuss how that looks. But it is not good to spend so much time pruning ourselves into manly trees that we forget about the fruit entirely. Rather, the entire purpose of the pruning is the fruit.

So, to my beleaguered brother. It is good that you desire to be masculine and strong and a good provider and a fit protector. You should want those things, and you should pursue those things.

But keep the eternal Kingdom perspective. If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). So be a man- but be a new man.

Pray through your goals and aspirations. Identify specific steps of faithfulness that you should be taking. And then take those steps on faith, and go your way rejoicing. If you are in Christ, you are free and forgiven and justified and He who began the work in you will perfect it (Phil. 1:6). So go your way rejoicing. Worship, work hard, and worry less.

You are called to be faithful. You are called to be joyful.

And the more you are these things, the manlier you will become.