True Love Stays

“We’re writing to share the news that we are separating and will continue our life together as friends. In recent years, some significant changes have taken place in both of us. It is with sincere love for one another and understanding of our unique story as a couple that we are moving forward with this decision. We hope to create a generous and supportive future for each other and for our three amazing children in the years ahead. Thank you for your understanding and for respecting our privacy during a difficult time.” – Joshua Harris

First of all, I want to disclaim that while I was blessed to grow up in “purity culture-” followed the courtship model, saved my first kiss for marriage, etc.- I have never read Josh Harris’ book, nor seen his documentary responding to- or perhaps apologizing for- his book. So I am going to stick to generalized Biblical principles here, with applications that may or may not be 100% on point.

1. If It Was Biblical Yesterday, It’s Biblical Today

God’s Word is the unchanging foundation of the Christian life. In Matthew chapter 7, Jesus compares those who build their lives on His words to wise builders who erect their homes on solid foundations. No matter the cultural or personal storms of life, that foundation will not be shaken. Whenever a leader within a Christian sub-cultural “movement” falls, it causes the rain to fall and the floods to rise on the house of our belief. It reveals to us whether the foundation of our faith is the God Who changes never- or a man who changes ever.

If X was Biblical before the chief proponent of X fell into sin, then it is still Biblical afterward. That’s the beauty of objective Truth- it is not dependent upon its advocates. So even as Harris releases I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and then as he announces that he is separating from his wife, and then as he further announces that he is leaving the faith, the question remains- is it true? Was it ever true? Is it good to save sex for marriage? Is it wise to have some form of boundary for physical affection until that point? Is our culture’s dating model reflective of a Biblical value system, or can we perhaps follow Biblical principles better if we adjust our method?

I am not here to lay out my views on how to get from singleness to marriage; that’s another post for another time. My point here is that just because a leader falls, and then the culture- and the American church community- burns them in effigy for the entire subculture they represent, does not necessarily mean that what they taught was wrong. It may have been… it may not have been. So we must “study to show ourselves approved,” and not approved by the culture around us, but approved by God. (2 Tim. 2:15)

2. When The Rubber Meets The Road

Backpedaling what we’ve said in the past can be done rightly or wrongly. Done rightly, it is growth. Done wrongly, it is compromise. If what we have in the past believed or taught is contested, there are two factors that will contest for our hearts- truth and popular opinion. If we are confronted with the truth, we realize our error, and with a humble heart towards God we carefully walk back the things that we spoke in error without wavering on those things that were grounded in Scripture, this is profitable backpedaling. If, however, we are confronted with the great frown of the hurt feelings of the multitudes, and we, without truly being convinced of presenting error, layer bubble wrap on the sword of truth by apologizing and qualifying and clarifying, then we are seeking the approval of men rather than of God. (Gal. 1:10)

Furthermore, this doesn’t mean only holding fast to things that were direct quotes from the Bible. If what you believed or said was grounded in Scripture and you believe it is an honest application then, while it is appropriate to acknowledge that it is indeed an application and not a Biblical mandate, it is at the same time essential to do so with a manly courage that is not apologizing for the assertion, but only clarifying it, “unless shown by Scripture and plain reason” that it is false. This kind of manly discussion where we boldly make truth claims, doing our best to carefully follow Scripture, but also taking the risk of being wrong and/or hurting feelings in the pursuit of truth, trusting all the while in God’s Grace to make up the difference- this is essential if we are going to learn to chew. (Heb. 5:14)

We cannot be controlled by what others think. If your faith in Christ is leading you to clarify or straight up recant what you said, then do it with wholehearted humility. But if it is the cultural pressure that is making you second guess your convictions, then that is the time to stand firm.

3. I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

Though the title of this section is humorous the subject is heartbreaking. We can tell a lot about the beliefs- and the repentance- of a fallen leader by the words they choose to describe their fall. When the announcement first came out that Harris was leaving his wife- before we heard the rest of the story- it might even have been seen as harsh to describe it as a “falling;” it’s not like he was caught in a sex scandal or some dramatic act of financial fraud. He’s just leaving his wife, that’s all.

And that’s why it’s so essential that we refer to actions like this as a downfall.

Our culture is getting used to divorce. We talk about it in nice, clean, sterile terms- “we are separating… as friends… preserving a good environment for the kids… with appreciation for the life we have shared…”

Scripture says that the two are to become one flesh. But today we make the amputation of a limb sound like the changing of a t-shirt. (Matt. 19:5-6)

If ever there were to be a Biblically justified divorce by a Christian leader, the only appropriate way for that to be announced would be through wailing and tears, as something that was joined together by God is separated by the sin of man, as a holy and divinely-ordained unit is torn asunder. The shortly forthcoming announcement of Harris’ apostasy was no surprise when preceded by a divorce announced so clinically.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am sure this is a violently traumatic time for the Harris family. I am not making light of the pain this family is going through. To the contrary, I am saying that we must not ever make light of such a violently destructive event as divorce. We must speak of it with the severity that God does.

4. Wearing The Right Uniform

Given the straightforward announcement of his apostasy (“By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian”), I must say that I appreciate Josh’s honesty. He folded his tent, packed his gear, walked over to the enemy’s camp, and tied a rainbow bandana around his head. (“To the LBGTQ+ community, I want to say that I am sorry for the views that I taught in my books and as a pastor regarding sexuality. I regret standing against marriage equality, for not affirming you and your place in the church…”)

This is much more honorable than the trend that I have noticed recently for thought leaders in the Christian community to compromise core doctrines of the faith while presenting their devil’s brew of truth and error as “true Christianity.” Josh Harris may lead some away from Christ, but at least they will know they are leaving Christ. How much greater will be the “stricter judgment” on those who will lead many into forsaking Christ, all the while convincing them that they are following in the footsteps of Jesus? (Jas. 3:1)

5. A Long Time Coming

This means that Joshua Harris never really knew Jesus. This famous and influential pastor and author was never truly saved. He grew up in a Christian home, went to church, wrote books, became a pastor, and never really knew Christ. He fooled us all- he may even have fooled himself. But the Holy Spirit wasn’t fooled. He knows His own, and He finishes what He starts. (1 John 2:19)

This doesn’t mean that there is no hope for Josh. Let us pray that God would bring him to a true and saving knowledge of Christ. God is in the business of bringing the dead to life.

6. It Happens To The Best Of Us

But while there is hope for Josh, and for all of us, in the power of God, this serves as a sobering reminder for all of us that there is no hope in the power of man. But by the grace of God, there go I. Apart from Christ, we can do nothing. There is no hope for ourselves, our children, our churches, our culture, apart from the mercy of God. This should drive us to our knees in humble supplication for that mercy. I’m no better than Josh Harris.

I am not advocating living in fear. I am a Calvinist, after all. I am assured of my salvation. I know I’m going to heaven, and I know God will finish the work He has started in me. I must persevere, I must do good works, I must endure to the end.

But If I am faithful, if I finish well, it will be because God is that mighty, that able to save. If I am accepted as righteous, it will be because Christ is that righteous. It will not be because of the remarkable strength of my spiritual corpse, but because of the remarkable strength of the God Who made that corpse alive. It will not be because of the beauty of the works of my hands, but because of the beauty of the hands that were pierced for me.

The glory will be His because the power is His. And it is for this power that we must labor on our knees. (1 Cor. 10:12, Eph. 2:8-9)

7. No Regrets

I want to conclude with a return to the topic of apologizing. We must apologize for sin and for error. Not for hurting feelings or angering masses. Earning the persecution of a culture that hates Christ is a badge of honor, not something to avoid at all costs. (John 15:18)

That is true, however, only if we have earned persecution by faithfulness to the Word of God. If it is our own pride, hubris, harshness- or even straight-up error- that ruffles feathers and steps on toes, then we can no longer claim that honored place.

We must speak the truth in love. That isn’t to say that there is never a time for satire or strong speech- Scripture gives us examples of both- but that our speech must be calculated to give grace to those who hear.

Even if it is a painful grace. (Eph. 4:29)

All this to say that it is good to listen when we are rebuked. But it is bad to listen too closely. We must be humble. Not spineless.

If God serves us up some well-deserved humble pie- even, and perhaps especially, if He does so through the vitriol of others- we must be prepared to open up and eat every last bite. When the Holy Spirit lays something on our hearts to repent of, we must do so straightforwardly and courageously.

But if there’s nothing to repent of then don’t repent. Do your best to speak the truth in love, and trust the grace of God to fill in the cracks. Don’t hyper-analyze and navel-gaze until you find a failure to apologize for. You’ll always find one. His grace is enough. It’s hard to go to war if you are constantly stopping to inspect your armor.

#IKissedDatingGoodbye #Apostasy #JoshuaHarris #Courtship #Dating #Homeschool